MGS Parody: Better Beer Slimy
by eternalscrappy
Summary: In this silly and ridiculous parody of Metal Gear Solid, living legend Slimy Snail must infiltrate a facility being held by special forces unit Wombat Shih-Tzu.
1. Chapters 1-6

Better Beer Slimy

Chapter 1

As Slimy Snail gets out of the water he takes off the inflatable rings around his arms that help him stay afloat and his shark fin goggles. He touches his bellybutton to ring up his codec and talks to Low Mane:

"Low Mane, I have an idea. I'll just ask them if we can apologize."

"Snail….you're an idiot. I say we go with Campbell's plan and sneak in to disarm their capabilities of launching the nuke."

"Campbell's…mmm better. What is Campbell doing?"

"He's having some soup"

"Chicken Noodle?"

"Tomato"

"Campbell's creamy tomato?"

"Yeah. Here is Imoan. She'll brief you on the special forces unit Wombat Shih-Tzu."

"Hi Snail. Wombat Shit Tzu is made of six members: Dana Carvey, a master of disguise, Piper Waffle, a beautiful musician and is also a chef at IHOP on her free time, Vulcan Ostrich, a 700 lb. fat Star Trek fan that is constantly cold because he doesn't wear a shirt, Skinny Grasshopper, a skinny guy that uses mind control and ESP to find out who celebrities have crushes on and then sells that info to tabloids, Super Soaker Old Guy, an old guy that's a master with….well…super soakers, and their leader, the person with the same code name as you Limy Snail. They are tough so you're gonna have to do your best."

"You don't have to tell me twice."

Snail pops some candy from his Snoopy PEZ dispenser in his mouth, lights a blunt and gets ready for action.

Chapter 2

As Snail thinks to himself how he is going to get into base he comes up with a brilliant idea. He decides to knock out one of the two guards patrolling the docks and take his clothes.

He sneaks up behind one of the guards, gives him a wet willy and the guard falls unconscious to the ground. As Snail undresses the guard another one walks by and sees Snail taking off the pants of his squad mate. The guard smiles, gives a wink, and starts unbuttoning his fly. Snail lets out a scream:

"OH MY GOD. I don't like blades but in your case I'll make an exception."

Snail picks up the knife from the belt of the unconscious man on the ground and chases after the guard standing up.

After about an hour of running in circles, Snail catches up to him and stabs him a total of 500 times. Satisfied, Snails finishes getting dressed and goes up the elevator.

As Snail gets out of the elevator, he sees a giant robot and whispers to himself: "Metal Gear."

He calls Campbell on Codec: "Campbell, what is a nuclear equipped walking battle tank doing here?"

"Uhhh… I think its here to launch the nuke."

"Campbell, can I ask you something?"

"What?"

"Is your first name really Roy?"

"Yeah"

"So can I call you Roy Rogers?"

"No"

"But they have good burgers."

"Snail, stay focused!"

Just as he said that, Metal Gear collapses into a million pieces. A solider on the side raises his hand: "My bad. Left a screw out. Sorry."

Limy, standing in front of the pile of rubble shoots the solider, walks inside and asks what has he missed so far of "The Bachelorette".

Snail continues the talk: "So my missions over?"

"Wrong. You still have to find the PARKA chief and Legs-tech president."

"Got it."

Snail pops some candy from his Snoopy PEZ dispenser in his mouth, lights a blunt and gets ready for action.

Chapter 3

Snail slips past all the guards and as he crawls through the vent he gets a codec call from Master Miller: "Hey Snail."

"Wazzzup."

"Wazzup"

"So what's up wit you?"

"Nothing. Watchin the dog races. Having a Miller."

"Why not a bud?"

"Because everyone likes their own brand."

Campbell chimes in: "You can say that again."

Miller asks: "Who's there?"

Snail responds: "Yo Campbell, pick up the Codec."

"Wazzup."

"Wazzup."

"Wazzup."

This goes on for about a minute. Then Campbell hangs up and Miller continues on: "Well I just want to let you know, Snake, if you need any help I'll be right here. I'm not an enemy."

"I never said you were."

"I'm not the leader of the terrorist group."

"I never said you were."

"I didn't kill the real Master Miller that lives about 20 miles away and buy this bad wig and sunglasses at the nearby 7-11 just to impersonate him in order to get the codes to launch the nuke from you."

"….."

"Uhhh….Gotta go. And by the way, the PARKA chief is in Cell 1 on the first basement of the building you're in."

"Thanks."

"See ya."

Snail pops some candy from his Snoopy PEZ dispenser in his mouth, lights a blunt and gets ready for action.

Chapter 4

Snail reaches the first basement, gets in the vent above the cells and starts crawling around until he comes across an opening. Inside, someone is in a handstand position and doing one handed pushups.

"A woman?….No. Some guy dressed in drag."

Snail continues along until he comes to the PARKA chief's cell. He drops down and the chief hides under the bed.

"I'm not here to hurt you. Get up."

"Who are you?"

"Name's Slimy Snail."

"You look more like a Snake to me. Are you here to rescue me?"

"Yeah but to get intel first. What is this place?"

"It's supposed to be a storage facility for ice pops and ice cream, but it hides a deep dark secret."

"What is it?"

"It's an R&D site for….. Better Beer."

"What?"

"Throughout history the world has only been able to make beers with one trait: tastes great, less filling, cheap, etc. Even though they say it, not one beer company has been able to create an alcoholic beverage with all the qualities of a good beer. Better Beer will change that. We will create the beer and put it in place of the old beer at all the factories."

"Why not just market it as its own beer?"

"The truth is that everybody in the Middle East is right. All people do in this country is sit around and drink beer. Everyone thinks our economy is around oil. They're wrong. It's beer. Commercials too. Beer companies are the only ones who make commercials good enough to watch. Super Bowl is proof of that. If we market the perfect beer on its own, all the other beer companies will go out of business and this country will be launched into an ultimate depression. That is what the terrorists plan to do."

"Oh my God. Where is the Legs-tech president?"

"Second basement. Uhhh."

"What's going on?"

"I have to peeeeeeee?"

The PARKA chief grabs his groan in utter pain and hops around. He then falls to the ground.

"Campbell, the PARKA chief is dead. Looks like a hernia."

"Damn. The only black guy in this story and he is the first to die. Anyway go find the Legs-tech president right away."

"Got it."

Snail pops some candy from his Snoopy PEZ dispenser in his mouth, lights a blunt and gets ready for action.

Chapter 5

Snail can't open the cell door. So he sits down and starts poking the PARKA chief's body with a stick. After about an hour the door opens. Snail walks outside and a gun is pointed at him. He sees the woman from before.

"Oh. It's the drag queen."

"Drag queen? How dare you say that?"

"Don't deny it. You're a guy. Your bicep is bigger than my whole body."

"I work out. Trust me. I'm a woman."

A sign of relief flows over Snail's face: "Hooo. Good. Because I got a good glimpse of your ass and I was beginning to question my sexuality for a second there. Your eyes. They're The Rookie's eyes."

"I'm no rookie."

"No. Not a rookie, the rookie. You know. The Disney movie with Dennis Quad."

"…?"

"Come on. You've seen it. Old guy is a pitcher and tries to play baseball. I cried three times. Good movie. You really don't know? Forget it."

"Who are you?"

"Snail, Slimy Snail."

"THE Slimy Snail. I've had sex drea…..I mean, dreams about you since I was a kid. You're a hero. A legend."

"No. I'm no hero….I'm a super hero!"

The door opens and 7 guards stand in the way. Snail screams and dives behind a desk. The woman shoots the guards without hesitation. Snail is surprised:

"Damn. You got mad squabbles, boy…..urgh…I mean girl. You got mad squabbles, girl. There you go, Snail."

"Good talking to you, Snail."

As the woman runs out of the room and to the elevator Snail chases after her. He tries to yell at her but just stares at her and has a little accident. Then a figure in a trench coat appears above the floor:

"That's it. Be a good boy…urgh…I mean girl. Come to daddy. We are gonna do a little dance, make a little love and get down tonight."

Snail calls Imoan on the Codec: "What was that?"

"Skinny Grasshopper. Watch out he's got mind control."

"Where's Campbell?"

"Eating Soup."

"Tomato?"

"Chicken Noodle."

"Campbell's soup?"

"Actually it's Chunky."

"Traitor. He's not supposed to be eating that. His name is Campbell. And besides, Donnovan McNabb lost in the NFC championship. Why is he eating his soup?"

"I don't know. He says to find the Legs-tech president."

"Got it."

Snail pops some candy from his Snoopy PEZ dispenser in his mouth, lights a blunt and gets ready for action.

Chapter 6

Snail makes his was to the Second Basement and enters a room where the Legs-tech president is strapped to a wall. Snails walks over to the president and a voice speaks from the shadows:

"I wouldn't do that if I were you. There is fishing line around him and the slightest touch will set off the C4 that's attached to it."

"Hey, that's not C4. It's Play Doe."

"No. It's C4, you moron."

"Why wouldn't you open perfectly good Play Doe?"

"I can see you're an idiot. You must be Slimy Snail. The boss has told me about you. Allow myself to introduce….myself. I am Super Soaker Old Guy: the best water fighter in the world."

"And you're calling me an idiot. It's like 10 below zero outside and you want to have a water fight? Water fights are for the summer with girls and white t-shirts. You're going to catch a cold. Especially at your age."

"Silence. Do you know what this is? This is the Super Soaker XP 800. The greatest water gun ever made. Now you will find out why they call me Water Gun. Draw."

Old Guy runs right up to Snail pumping his water gun. He stops right in front and points his gun at Snail with one hand on the pump and one on the trigger. Snail doesn't flinch.

"Eat this."

Old Guy rapidly pumps and opens fire nailing Snail in the chest. Snail looks down at the water hitting his chest, looks up at Old Guy and just shakes his head in disgust.

But then an invisible figure drops from the ceiling. He cuts off Old Guy's hand and cuts the wire to the C4. Everyone is blown back. The invisible dude leaves, Old Guy runs away and Snail comforts the Legs-tech president:

"Are you okay?"

"Beer is being sold all over the black market."

"What?"

"Any small country can have a couple dozen beer factories."

"Huh?"

"BUF, or beer unaccounted for, is tripled every year."

"What are you talking about?"

"Hey, I have to say something at least somewhat similar to what my alternate self says in the game."

"True."

"Just find the hot man-chick, Cheryl, and have her tell you about Pal Limerick."

"Pal Limerick?"

"Yeah. He's the head developer of the Better Beer project."

"What was that thing back there?"

"Wombat Shih-Tzu's dirty little secret."

"The porno stacked behind the computers at HQ?"

"No. Not that. He's….you know what, I'm dying so I want to make my death scene pretty cool. Peace, I'm outta here."

He dies in Snail's arms. There is no reason to call Campbell.

Snail pops some candy from his Snoopy PEZ dispenser in his mouth, lights a blunt and gets ready for action.

Chapter 6.5

Snail turns the corner and sees a man dressed in all black trying to pick a lock. On the man's head is a unique pair of goggles. Snail steps up to him:

"What the hell are you doing?"

"Owww. Oh gosh darn. Got a splinter. Oh well. Hello there. I'm trying to pick this lock."

"I know that, dumbass. What they hell are you doing here, you Solid Snake wannabe?"

"I'm here to stop the production of Better Beer."

"What's your name and please tell me what in God's name is on your head?"

"My name is Sam Fisher, CIA. And this is a night vision/thermal goggles headset."

"I don't believe I saw that in Radio Shack nor did I see Shaq advertising those things on one of his 50 commercials during the Super Bowl. I looked all through the Sharper Image and Best Buy catalogs but I still didn't see them. Please tell me how I get to 'turn on the fun' with those sh*ts."

"I got them specially made from CIA headquarters in Langley."

"I guess somebody really does beat the WIZ."

"If you excuse me now, I have work to do."

"Where are you from again?"

"Splinter Cell."

Snail takes out a gun, points it at Fisher's head and pulls the trigger. Snail then taunts Fisher's corpse lying on the ground:

"Now what? Huh? I don't see you getting X-Box Magazine's highest rating now, bitch. So how does it feel to swim with the fishes, Fisher? Maybe you'll make some friends. I mean, you do have the same name; fish, Fisher. What kind of name is Sam Fisher anyway? You sound like kindergarten teacher, you concept stealing, Syphon Filter wannabe."

Snail opens the door that Fisher was trying to unlock:

"Some Central Intelligence Agency, you are. I guess you couldn't get the intelligence that this door was already unlocked, you retard."

Snail pops some candy from his Snoopy PEZ dispenser in his mouth, lights a blunt and gets ready for action.


	2. Chapters 7-11

Chapter 7

Snail gets the info from Cheryl and goes to meet her in the second building. Snail stands just outside the first building in a canyon. In front of him there is a giant field and about 100 yards away is the second building. As Snail is about to take a step he gets a Codec message:

"Watch you're step. That field is filled with mines."

"Who is this?"

"One of your fans."

"Hey, wait a minute. I saw the movie 'The Fan' with Snipes and De Niro. You're not trying to kill me are you?"

"You truly are an idiot. There are about five people on this island that DON'T want to kill you and you're worrying about me."

"Yeah because you sound cool and you got that cool thing that doesn't let me see your face (even though I don't know how I can see anyone's face anyway). What's your name?"

"Just call me Deepthroat."

"What are you? A porn star?"

"No you idiot, Mr. X then."

"Mr. X? Oh, like in Malcolm X? What are you, his son?"

"Just call me Gray Fox."

"Gray Fox, ay? Nope, doesn't ring a bell."

"Kill yourself. Truly, take that gun to your head and shoot yourself."

"You're mean."

"Ok. Screw this. There are mines in that field and there is a tank waiting on the other end for you. Hopefully you won't get yourself blown up, dumbass."

Just as the transmission ended, the door to the second building opens and out rolls a tank. Someone speaks from within the tank:

"Hello little Snail. I am Vulcan Ostrich."

"Are you really in that tank? They must have used a lot of DW 40 and a car jack to get your fatass in there."

"Enough with the fatass jokes. 'Resistance is futile'. That's what the cyborgs said to the humans in Star Trek. The same goes for you. See we are natural enemies you and I."

"Uhhh what?"

"The ostrich being fast and agile can catch the slow and dumb Snail with ease."

"How are you fast and agile?"

"Then the ostrich will break open the snail's shell and eats its slimy body."

"Uhh ostriches don't eat snails."

"Then the ostrich will fly away into the endless night."

"And ostriches don't fly."

"Silence! Unlike the Vulcan's in Star Trek, you will not live long and prosper."

As soon as the tank rolls out onto the field, an explosion erupts the tank into the air and sends the tank soaring to the other side of the canyon:

"Looks like he didn't get the memo about the mines. And will you look at that. I guess ostriches really can fly."

Snail carefully makes his way to the other side, and the door opens.

Snail pops some candy from his Snoopy PEZ dispenser in his mouth, lights a blunt and gets ready for action.

Chapter 8

On the other end of the field Snail traverses through a warehouse that he couldn't shoot in because it was filled with Japanese beer and one sip of it would make you wish you had never been born. After that, Snail comes to a hallway with gas and an electrified floor. The sneaky soldier simply uses his remote control plane to fly into the circuit board and allowing him to walk through.

Snail then arrives to the hallway leading to the room where Pal Limerick is being held. He turns the corner and sees blood splattered all over the wall and screams. Snail cuddles in the corner and gets a codec call from Campbell:

"What the hell are you doing?"

"I'm scared."

"Get up, pansy."

"No. I had a dream like this once. In about two seconds Martha Stewart is going to drop from the ceiling with a chainsaw."

"You truly are an idiot. Just get up and take it slow. You can't die anyway. You're the star of the series."

"Oh yeah."

Snail gets up and walks past the bodies. He then slips on the blood smeared across the floor and falls on his head:

"Ow."

He gets back up and turns the next corner. He sees a man being lifted off the ground by the invisible figure he met earlier. The man cries for Snail to help him:

"Help me. It's a ghost."

"No, stupid. It's not a ghost. It's the Predator. Any minute now Arnold Schwarzenegger is gonna pop out and blow him up. You'll be fine."

The invisible figure takes out a sword, cuts the guy into a thousand pieces and walks into the room:

"Ok. Maybe you won't be fine."

Snail follows into the room and sees the invisible guy going after Pal on the ground. Pal wets himself:

"HAAAA! You pissed your pants. What a loser. You should kill yourself right now. Seriously, just end your life."

The invisible figure takes off his stealth, turns toward Snail and points the blade of his sword at him. Snake wets his pants. The robot looking ninja speaks in a mechanical voice.

"Snail. I have waited for you."

"Who are you?"

"Neither enemy nor friend."

"Oh. Are you a fan? Because I read all my mail. Hey, you weren't the one that sent those panties were you?"

"What? No. Nothing like that."

Pal chimes in from the floor: "Sorry, that was me."

The ninja ignores Pal and continues his conversation with Snail:

"I have come back from another world to enjoy one more moment with you."

"Hey, buddy. I don't like guys….that way. But I'll be more than happy to sign an autograph or take pictures."

"No. One last battle with you. To make me feel alive again."

"You wanna feel alive? Here. I got these Warhead sour candies. I swear, your mouth will go crazy. Now that's a rush."

Pal Limerick runs into the closet and shuts the door. The ninja sees and turns back towards Snail:

"Fine. He can watch from in there."

"I told you already. I'm not like that. I'm sure he is though if you wanna join him in the closet."

The ninja swings at Snail. Snail ducks and clocks the Ninja in the chin with a left hook.

"Ok we'll fight hand to hand. It's the basis of all combat."

"Ok. Hold on. I got these Sock'em Boppers for Christmas. These things rock."

Snail puts on his Sock'em Boppers and gives the Ninja all he's got. The Ninja finally stops fighting back.

"Give me more."

"Ok, buddy. I think you've had enough. Time to go home."

"Give me more."

"Hey, do you want a time out, mister?"

"Ahhhhhhhh."

The ninja runs out of the room. Snail calls Campbell on the Codec:

"Campbell, that ninja is Gray Fox."

"How do you know?"

"Because he was wearing a Tampa Bay Bucs jersey that said Gray Fox on the back."

"Oh."

"Imoan, what do you know about this."

"Nothing….except that a doctor took his body and experimented on it until he came back to life."

"Oh….ok. I gotta talk to Pal."

Snail pops some candy from his Snoopy PEZ dispenser in his mouth, lights a blunt and gets ready for action.

Chapter 9

"You gonna come out? I got a pair of Depends here."

Pal Limerick comes out of the closet and looks Snail in his eyes:

"Is that thing gone?"

"Yeah. Wow that's a big piss stain."

"Good. He's gone."

"I'm glad you came out of the closet."

"I'm not gay."

"Sure you're not."

"Who are you?"

"Call me Snail."

"I'm Pal Limerick. You can call me Alotajohn."

"Why?"

"Some butt munch already took the name Otacon. And besides, maybe it will help me remember to go to the bathroom before I….."

"Wow! Too much info there. Can you tell me how to destroy the supply of Better Beer so that the terrorists don't get it?"

"Why do the terrorists want Better Beer?

"To… I don't remember but its something not good."

"Why would they do that? I never created Better Beer to be the downfall of the U.S. I created it just to get really wasted with my friends. The truth is my family has a dark history with beer. My father was born on they same day they debuted the Budweiser Frogs commercial. My grandfather was one of the lead developers for Zima. I have even traced my roots to my great, great, great, great, great, great, great grandfather who helped invent beer for King Hammurabi of Babylonia."

"Wait a sec. If your father was born on the same day they debuted the Budweiser Frogs commercial then that would make you like 10."

"Yeah, so. You got a problem with that?"

"Nope. That explains one thing. I thought you hadn't hit puberty yet."

"We have to stop Better Beer. I'll be fine. I got this stealth."

"Ok. I'll keep in touch through Codec."

Alotajohn runs through the door. Snail now has to meet Cheryl.

Snail pops some candy from his Snoopy PEZ dispenser in his mouth, lights a blunt and gets ready for action.

Chapter 10

Snail goes back up to the first basement and starts looking for Cheryl. He knows Cheryl is dressed like a genome soldier so Snail ponders a plan to try and find her. After about an hour Cheryl gets fed up with waiting and walks over to Snail and hits him on the head:

"Ow. What's your problem? Cheryl! I found you."

"No you didn't, you idiot. I found you. All you had to do was watch the way I walk because I'm a girl and you would have found me."

"If you're a girl then what's that bulge in your pants?"

"….. Uh. No comment. Here, follow me."

Cheryl leads Snail into the women's bathroom.

"I always wanted to be in the girl's bathroom."

"But aren't you a girl?"

"…."

Cheryl pulls a gun from her bra.

"Wow! What else you got down there? Hey, that gun's a little too big for you. Trade?"

"Yeah right. I'm more comfortable with this than I am with a bra."

"Really? I'm definitely more comfortable with a bra. I mean, I've been wearing them since I was like 12 and I fired my first gun like a year ago. Uhh…did I just say that out loud?"

"Don't worry. I can keep a secret. Girls are good at keeping secrets. Just like they are good with makeup. But I don't wear makeup like other girls."

"Maybe that's because you're not….a girl. Look at you, you're built like a gorilla and your voice is deeper than Alotajohn's."

"Whatever. We have to go to the Commander's room."

They walk out of the bathroom and the guards are gone. All of a sudden Cher's "Believe" starts playing over the loud speaker:

"Where are all the guards and is that Cher? She sucks."

"Ahhhhhhhh."

"Cheryl? You okay?"

"I'm fine, lover boy. You stud you. Right this way Mr. Wombat Shih-Tzu."

They walk into the Commander's room and Cheryl takes a gun out on Snail.

"Make love to me. I wanna party like its 1999. Let's find out why they call you Slimy."

"That's disgusting."

Campbell comes over the codec:

"Snail, Grasshopper is controlling Cheryl using mind control. Cher's songs are his mind control music."

"I see why he chose her. Ain't nothing more boring than a good old fashion Cher love song."

"You have to disable Cheryl without killing her."

"I have just the plan. The one thing no gay cross dresser can resist."

Snail runs over to the stereo system and puts on Barbra Streisand's "We're Not Making Love Anymore". Cheryl drops the gun, starts dancing and falls asleep.

A creepy voice comes out of nowhere: "So you've beaten my mind control. But you can not beat my telekinesis."

Grasshopper reveals himself. Snail is mortified at the sight of him.

"Damn you one skinny Russian. Not to mention ugly."

Snail pops some candy from his Snoopy PEZ dispenser in his mouth, lights a blunt and gets ready for action.

Chapter 11

As snail stares into the mask of Skinny Grasshopper he is filled with fear. Grasshopper floats above the ground and looks right back at him. Snail can only think of one thing to say:

"So Russia? Musta been cold."

"There is no point resisting. I have been practicing telepathy since I was two. I used to read the minds of every one around me to get them to like me. Turns out I'm ugly as hell so it didn't matter. But I didn't give up. I read the minds of countless celebrities and sold their secrets to the highest bidder. I'm the one that found out Madonna wasn't a virgin when she sang "Like a Virgin". I also found out that Calista Flockheart is bulimic, Michael Jackson liked boys and George Bush is an idiot."

"First off, Miss Cleo, you're no telepath. Stevie Wonder can see that. If you were you would have seen the shovel before it hit your face and made you so damn ugly. Besides, what am I thinking of right now?"

"You want a cheeseburger."

"Ha! You are a fraud. I was thinking of a BACON cheeseburger. So what am I thinking now?"

"You want get a tub of Ready Whip, strawberries, a leather whip, handcuffs and a dildo and then you want to…"

"Ooooook. So you're not a fake. You can read minds. So how do I beat you?"

"You don't."

Grasshopper uses his telekinesis to fling objects at Snail. Snail dodges them and fires at Grasshopper. But Grasshopper uses telepathy, sees where the bullets are going and dodges them. All is lost when Snail gets a codec from Alotajohn:

"Snail, it's me."

"I'm kind of in a tough spot here. Can I call you back?"

"I know how to beat him."

"Tell me, you four-eyed freak!"

"Just unplug your controller and put it back into the second player port."

"…"

"Just do it."

"What are you? Sponsoring for Nike?"

So Snail unplugs his controller but just as he was about to plug it back in he trips and falls. The plug falls loose and now Snail is paralyzed. He relentlessly gets hit with chairs, tables, statues, cows and beds. Finally Cheryl gets up, plugs it back in and Snail takes down Grasshopper. While on the ground, Grasshopper confesses:

"The first mind I ever dove into was my father's."

"Yeah. And…"

"And he wanted to rape me."

"Oh my god."

"So I busted a cap in his ass."

"…."

"Snail, I dove into millions of people's minds and they are all the same. But you….you're different. You have to be the freakiest person I have ever met. I mean, I didn't even know that was possible to do that with a Gatorade bottle."

"You would be surprised."

"And that thing with the carrot. That's just disgusting."

"Hey! What people do in the privacy of their own homes is their business."

"Anyway the bunker holding Better Beer is behind that door."

"Why are you helping us?"

"Because Limy really pisses me off. Besides, it makes for a more dramatic death scene."

Cheryl and Snail look at each other and know what they have to do.

Snail pops some candy from his Snoopy PEZ dispenser in his mouth, lights a blunt and gets ready for action.


	3. Chapters 12-19

Chapter 12

Cheryl and Snail make their way to the communication tower, but first they have to pass through a garden with wolves. Snail starts crawling through the garden and a wolf comes up to him barking. Snail takes out his gun and shoots the wolf. Cheryl is shocked:

"Why did you do that?!"

"He was pissing me off."

"You don't like dogs?"

"I love dogs. I'm a musher."

"Then why did you shoot the wolf?"

"Like I said. He was pissing me off."

Then a wolf pup comes up to Snail and starts rubbing against his leg. Snail shoots the pup. Cheryl doesn't even ask and they make their way to a big alley with the first communications tower in front of them:

"Hold on. There are mines here. I know where they are. Follow me."

Cheryl walks through the field in a weird zigzag pattern and Snail follows Cheryl and they get through the minefield.

"How did you do that?"

"I know it sounds strange but when Grasshopper dove into my mind the entire first season of Queer as Folk flashed before my eyes. Strange huh?"

"That doesn't explain how you knew where the mines were."

"There's a map on the wall, see?" Cheryl points to a wall with a large map on it.

"Oh. I knew that."

As the two walk down the alley Cheryl is suddenly hit with three sausages. She falls to the ground. Snail takes cover and calls Imoan on the codec:

"Imoan, what's happening?"

"Look at Cheryl. Is there syrup from the sausage hits?"

"Yes."

"I knew it. It's Piper Waffle. Throwing sausages is her trademark. She learned that at IHOP School. There is only one way to beat her. Get a sniper rifle and take her out from a distance. If you get to close she'll play her pipe and you'll be under her spell. Just keep your distance and take her out.

"Campbell, where is the nearest sniper rifle?"

"It's on the first basement of the first building you were in."

"F*ck that. I aint goin back there. That's like a mile away."

Snail takes out a white towel and waves it. Piper Waffle walks up to him and points her sausage in his face.

"It's hard to miss when you're this close."

"No sh*t, Sherlock."

Waffle takes out some syrup and splats it on Snail's face.

"You're lucky Limy wants you alive. But I have left my mark on you."

Snail pops some candy from his Snoopy PEZ dispenser in his mouth, lights a blunt and gets ready for action. Then Waffle hits him in the head with a frying pan and he gets knocked out.

Chapter 13

Snail, still passed out, lies on a torture table that is on a horizontal position. As he wakes he can hear Old Guy and Limy talking:

"Choose this one."

"No. I'm the professional interrogator here. Let me choose."

"Professional? What about that accident you had earlier."

"That was the water fountain okay! Besides I have on Depends."

"Wait. He's coming to."

Old Guy pushes a button and the table goes into a vertical position. Limy and Old Guy start hysterically laughing. Snail looks around to see what's so funny. He finally looks down in surprise:

"So I guess the man DOESN'T live up to the legend."

"Hey! It's Alaska and its pretty cold in here. Besides, you guys just don't do it for me. Where's Cheryl?"

"We had to lock her up. It was for her own protection. Old Guy over here tried to get his water gun off."

"I couldn't help it. He's hot."

"But Cheryl is a girl.

"Oh...yeah…yeah…I knew that."

Limy walks out of the room: "I'll leave you two alone."

"Now it's just us. This is how it works. This TV screen in front of you will play a movie. You will have to watch that movie. If you want to quit just tell me and it will end. But then the girl is mine."

"What movie?"

"First the Sound of Music, then Mary Poppins and Anne of Green Gables."

"Screw that. I quit. Take the damn girl."

"But we haven't even started yet."

"Have you even seen those movies? The Sound of Music? That is the scariest movie ever.

"Scary?"

"Yeah. The hills are alive. That's some freaky sh*t."

"Ok."

Old Guy throws the naked Snail into a cell and leaves him alone except for a single guard outside the cell. Snail now realizes he has to break out of the cell to stop Better Beer.

Snail pops some candy from his Snoopy PEZ dispenser in his mouth, lights a blunt and gets ready for action.

Chapter 14

Snail sits down on the bed. He is cold from the ….cold and looks at the guard with the nametag Johnny outside the cell:

"What are you doing?"

"I'm trying to hold it in.

"What?"

"The biggest sh*t ever."

"What did you eat?"

"Well I've been constipated for the past 2 weeks. I asked that Ostrich guy if he knew any Star Trek tip for taking a crap. He gave me a bottle of ex-lax and so I drank the whole thing."

"The whole thing?"

"I wasn't able to go for 2 weeks! I think I needed the whole bottle!"

"Well if you can find my pants; I got some Rolaids and Tums in my pockets.

"Thanks."

Johnny starts looking through Snail's pants.

"I also have some Pepto Bismol in the coat pocket."

Johnny looks through the coat now and pulls out an object.

"Hey what's this?"

"Uhhh…that's my….."

Johnny begins to read the side of it:

"Swedish Made Penis Enlarger Pump?"

"It's not mine. I borrowed it from the dude in the gas mask."

"Oh. Uhhh. I gotta go.

Johnny runs into bathroom and starts to scream.

"Don't push too hard. You might drop a lung."

All of a sudden an invisible figure walks into the room and stands outside the cell. He takes off his stealth and it's Alotajohn:

"Hi Sna…"

"It's usually Big Snail but its cold out here. You understand."

"That's still a pretty small twig and berries there, buddy."

"Hey! It's not the size of the boat! It's the motion in the ocean!"

"Ok. I never said that size matters anyway. I mean look at Danny DeVito.

"So what you got?"

"I brought you a baseball glove, the Star Wars: Episode II DVD, a #2 pencil, a stress ball, and my Blockbuster card."

"What the f*ck am I supposed to do with this?! You know, for a genius you are a f*cking idiot."

"That's mean. Now you have to find a way out of there yourself. "

Alotajohn runs off. Snail is left all alone in the cell. Johnny finally comes out of the bathroom.

"Hey you wanna let me out?"

"What will I get in return?"

"How about this Episode II DVD?"

"Throw in the stress ball and we got a deal."

"Ok."

Snail gives Johnny the DVD and the stress ball. Johnny lets him out. Snail puts on his clothes and then they go their separate ways.

Snail pops some candy from his Snoopy PEZ dispenser in his mouth, lights a blunt and gets ready for action.

Chapter 15

Snail walks out of the torture room. He realizes that he is in the first building and that he has a long way to go to get back to the comm. tower:

"WHAT THE F*CK!"

Snail makes his way from the first building to the steps of the comm. tower. When he steps into the comm. tower he sees a stationary tower at the end of a hallway. The camera looks down at the entrance way of the door. Snail has to get through there and he wants to be undetected. So he throws a chaff grenade. Nothing happens. He takes out his SOCOM and shoots it. Nothing happens. Then he takes a FAMAS and just unloads a clip on it. Nothing happens. Snail looks around, shrugs his shoulders and walks through the door. The alarm goes off:

"WHAT THE F*CK!"

Snail runs up the stairs and sees 50 soldiers coming after him. He runs half way up as fast as he can to a door. He lets out a sigh of relief and walks up to the door. The door bleeps and cant open. He then gets a codec call from Alotajohn:

"Oh yeah. The door's frozen. You gotta go to the top."

"WHAT THE F*CK!"

Snail then runs to the top and goes through the door. He hears a bullet wiz by his head. Snail takes cover and whips out his binoculars. He sees 3 snipers in camouflage fatigues at the end of the bridge:

"WHAT THE F*CK!"

Snail just takes out his grenade and with a single throw gets the grenade in the center of the guys. They blow up. He then casual makes his way across the bridge to the other tower and then he sees a Hind D chopper hovering in front of him with Limy driving it:

"Ready to die, Snail?"

"WHAT THE F*CK!"

Snail runs to the other comm. tower and gets through the door. He sees Alotajohn standing next to the elevator:

"Things don't looks so good. The stairs are out and this elevator is broken."

"WHAT THE F*CK!"

"I'll fix the elevator while you go take out that chopper. Here take this."

Alotajohn takes a stinger missile launcher out of his purse.

"WHAT THE F*CK!"

"Yeah I always carry one with me ever since I got mugged and my purse was stolen. It beats the hell out of pepper spray."

Snail tries to pop some candy from his Snoopy PEZ but he is all out:

"WHAT THE F*CK!"

He loads the dispenser back up.

Snail pops some candy from his Snoopy PEZ dispenser in his mouth, lights a blunt and gets ready for action.

Chapter 16

Snail climbs the ladder and opens the door to the roof. He goes outside and sees the Hind D floating.

Snail holds his stinger by his side and the Hind looks right back at him:

"So Snail, time to get squashed like the mollusk you are."

Snail tries to think of a witty comeback:

"Hey Limy, I think your Hind D has some Hepatitis B. Why don't you give it some Vitamin C. Then when it gets better we can hook up my new TV. Or watch a DVD. Did you know Jungle Book 2 is rated G. And yesterday I got stung by a bumblebee while I was taking a pee. Do you understand me?"

"You have just given me about 17 new reasons to kill you."

Limy fires a missile and Snake drops his launcher and wets himself while crying. Out of nowhere, Superman drops from the sky and hits the missile back at Limy. Limy's helicopter crashes. Superman flies away and Snail opens his eyes. He sees Limy's chopper in flames and he walks over to the edge of the roof:

"So that takes care of the ice cream nation."

Hideo Kojima busts through the door to the roof and starts charging toward Snail:

"No, no, no!"

He stops in front of Snail and points his finger right in the soldier's chest:

"I had one line I wanted to keep good in this god forsaken piece of crap story and that was one of my favorites. And you had to go and ruin it. You are the single dumbest person on this face of the Earth. Do you realize that?

"Ice cream nation. You know. Like the board game Candyland."

"You're a retard. I hired Superman because maybe one hero can save this piece of trash story. Besides, that was the one part of MGS that doesn't make sense: one man defeating a chopper. I thought Superman could help with that but noooo. He has to get back and help Lois Lane 'move some furniture.' The horny alien bastard."

"Superman was here? Where? I've never met Eminem before."

"…."

Kojima jumps off the roof and then eventually disappears because he is a legend and you can't kill a legend in your story otherwise you will never be respected again. Snail is now totally confused by the turn of events. But he remembers he has to go see Alotajohn about the elevator.

Snail pops some candy from his Snoopy PEZ dispenser in his mouth, lights a blunt and gets ready for action.

Chapter 17

Snail goes back downstairs to find Alotajohn who was working on the elevator, but he nowhere to be found. Then Snail gets a codec:

"Hey Snail. The elevator is fixed."

"That's great. What was wrong with it?"

Snail walks into elevator and pushes the button to go down.

"It's strange. I didn't fix it. It just started working."

"What?"

"And that's not all. The weight limit of 1000 was exceeded. Now I know I am still carrying a little holiday weight but I don't think it's that much."

"Really?"

"Also I could feel something breathing on the back of my neck. And something bumped into me but there was nothing there."

"Is that all?"

"No. There's more. I heard voices in the elevator. They were talking about waiting in the elevator and attacking you when you got in."

"Alotajohn, how many stealth devices did you have in your lab?

"Like 20 why….Oh my god. I just realized something."

"What?"

"I FORGOT TO RECORD DAWSON'S CREEK!"

"Is that the only thing you realized? What about something along the lines of someone else being in this elevator along with me?"

"Yeah. It makes sense. The weight limit. The extra stealth devices. The voices…..SNAIL, THERES A TALKING ELEPHANT IN THERE WITH YOU!"

The codec message ends and the elephant wraps his trunk around Snail. Snail starts to choke and squirm to get free. Then he takes some peanuts out of his pocket and the elephant lets go. He gives the peanuts to the elephant and walks out of the elevator.

Snail pops some candy from his Snoopy PEZ dispenser in his mouth, lights a blunt and gets ready for action.

Chapter 19

Snail looks up and aims with his rifle. But he doesn't have time to fire because Waffle rapidly fires her arsenal of bacon, muffins, waffles, pancakes, sausages and eggs at Snail. Snail runs to a tree picking up all the leftovers on the ground he can find. Snail then sits down and has himself a hardy breakfast.

Waffle, now getting frustrated, runs toward Snake with her pipe and starts playing it. Even as Waffle stops right in front of Snail he just continues to eat. Waffle continues to play and Snail doesn't budge:

"This doesn't make any sense. No man can resist my tune."

Then Snail takes out his rifle, points it at Waffle and fires. Waffle falls to the ground dying:

"You're right. It is hard to miss when you're this close."

Alotajohn comes running out of nowhere and falls to the ground screaming:

"Why? I loved you. Why did you have to be evil?"

"Bring me my frying pan."

Alotajohn picks up her frying pan and gives it to her. Waffle hits Alotajohn over the head with it and Alotajohn falls to the ground unconscious:

"That's what you get for being creepy, you Michael Jackson stalker freak."

Waffle dies and Alotajohn suddenly wakes up from a 10 second sleep.

"Why did she have to die? I loved her. The only other person I loved as much as her was my step-mother. But that's only because she was really hot and had big boobs. But she left me and now I lost Waffle too."

"Save it for Oprah, psycho."

"How did you resist her tune?"

"I just came back from a rap concert and got shot in the ear. I can't hear anything."

"But you here me now."

"Strange isn't it? How do I destroy the remaining supply of Better Beer?

"Ok. First you have to take this card key and bring it to three different temperatures. One cold, one normal and one hot. Then each time the card changes you have to bring it to the control room and input it into the control panel.

"That sounds like a lot of work. Can't I just blow it up instead?"

"Sure. Do whatever you want. I just created the stuff. What would I know?"

"I'm going in. You better hide."

"Ok. But first I….have to…do something….I just remembered."

Alotajohn picks up Waffle's body and runs into a porto-potty.

"I don't even want to know."

Snail pops some candy from his Snoopy PEZ dispenser in his mouth, lights a blunt and gets ready for action.


	4. Chapters 20-26

Chapter 20

Snail makes his way through the base where Better Beer is being held and finally comes up to a giant freezer. He walks inside and sees ostriches flying around. Hundreds of ostriches just flying throughout the room:

"This is impossible. Ostriches can't fly."

"My ostriches can. This is my world. And in my world anything goes. Hey Snail, have you ever been in the Special Olympics."

"Once when I was a kid I played some wheelchair basketball.

"Well I enter in the pie eating contest. I win every year. I always beat that skinny Japanese guy that wins all the hotdog eating contests. And you want to know why?

"Because he is a Star Wars fan and you beat him up before the contest?"

"DON'T YOU EVER MENTION THAT NAME IN MY PRESENCE AGAIN! Anyway, I beat him because I train my body specifically to eat pie. I eat all types of pie to train. Key lime, apple, mud, pecan, pumpkin."

"What about this type of pie?

Snail runs over and whispers something into Ostrich's ear. Ostrich responds:

"Only when your mom's in town."

"What you say about my momma?"

"Well you want to know what this has to do with our battle?"

"Sure?"

"Because when I'm through with you I'm gonna turn you into pie."

"That was truly bad. All that built up suspense and you came up with a one-liner like that?"

"Don't mock me."

"Ok. I won't…..STAR WARS!"

"AHHHHHHH! Now you will feel the true power of the Vulcan Death Grip."

As Ostrich charges at Snail, Johnny suddenly walks through the freezer and sees Ostrich. Ostrich looks at Johnny and sees him holding something. Ostrich takes a closer look and sees the Episode II DVD.

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT?! AHHHHHH!"

Ostrich then charges at Johnny and sits on him. Johnny dies and then the ostriches that were flying around the room suddenly land and start to eat Vulcan Ostrich as he wonders to himself:

"Hmmmm. Now should I call this Ostrich pie or Star Trek Fan pie?"

Snail walks out of the freezer and Ostrich's spirit begins to talk to him.

"Snail, I have finally learned that science fiction cults must not fight. We must work together to defeat the real enemy: Reality TV. All the sci-fi programs; Star Wars, Star Trek, X-Files, Godzilla, The Fly, even Jason X; must come together to defeat the High School Reunions and Joe Millionaires and turn TV into what it should be. You showed me this, Snail. And in a sign of our unity and my thanks: may the force be with you, always."

Snail pops some candy from his Snoopy PEZ dispenser in his mouth, lights a blunt and gets ready for action.

Chapter 21

Snail steps out of the freezer and enter a giant elevator. On his way down he gets a codec call from Miller:

"Hey, Snail.

"What's up, Master?"

"I was thinking about the thing Imoan said after you saw Fox."

"And?"

"Didn't it seem like she knew too much and was hiding something?"

"Oh. I wasn't paying attention to what she was saying. I was staring at her chest."

"What?"

"I couldn't help it. She's hot."

"She's not that hot."

"Hell, I'd do her."

"Anyway, I did some research and it turns out that her mother's brother's roommate's dog once took a piss on the White House lawn."

"So?"

"That is a little conspicuous, don't you think?"

"Hold on one sec.

Snail takes a dictionary out and looks up conspicuous.

"What I'm trying to say is that she might be a bad guy."

"I don't care. I'd still do her."

"She might still be working with Wombat-Shih Tzu. I'll go look for some more info."

"Ok you do that."

"It's Miller time."

Snail pops some candy from his Snoopy PEZ dispenser in his mouth, lights a blunt and gets ready for action.

Chapter 22

Snail walks through many halls and finally sees the door leading to the warehouse where Better Beer is being made. Snail walks inside and sees a giant machine that makes Better Beer. Snail sees a button to the right of the door labeled "Push to Destroy Better Beer Machine." Snail then pushes it and the Better Beer machine blows up. Then he gets a codec call from Campbell:

"Snail, we just found Master Miller's body."

"What? Where was he?"

"In one of the stalls in the men's bathroom over here at HQ."

"What? You knew he was in the bathroom and you didn't know he was dead?"

"Well we just thought he ate some bad Cheetos or something."

"Then who have I been talking to?"

Limy walks out of the shadows:

"Me."

"What? You told me as Master that you weren't the bad guy."

"Uhhh. I lied."

"That's just mean. Hey, what's that in your hand?"

"It's the last can of Better Beer."

"Oh no."

Snail shoots the can out of Limy's hand and the can falls to the floor.

"Now you've done it. Prepare to die."

Snail pops some candy from his Snoopy PEZ dispenser in his mouth, lights a blunt and gets ready for action.

Chapter 23

So Snail and Limy start fighting and Limy is winning right off the bat. Limy gives Snail the rope-a-dope and knocks him to the ground. Then Limy runs over to Snail with some shampoo and pours it into his eyes. Snail runs around screaming in pain. Then Limy runs over to Snail again and gives him a wet willy. Snail falls to the floor crying. Then he gets a codec from Campbell:

"Damn Snail, you're getting your ass kicked."

"Campbell, help me. Please."

"Sorry. No can do, buddy. I'm too busy arresting Imoan over here."

"What? Why are you arresting her?"

"It turns out Limy was right. She was a bad guy but was working on her own. We found out that she put some disease thing in you called SocksPie. This disease targets specific people and kills then by giving them a severe hernia. The PARKA chief had one because she slept with him and she wanted no one to find out and Waffle had one because she ate Imoan's waffles."

"Wait, but I killed Waffle. And besides, how could Waffle have a hernia she's a girl?"

"Oh yeah. Did I say Waffle? I meant to say you. Sorry about that. Gotta go bye."

"Wait…."

Campbell cuts of his codec and Snail is left ready to die from either the SocksPie or from Limy. Snail lies down and accepts his fate. Limy then speaks:

"There is something I have to tell you before you die. It involves your father and me."

"What is it?"

"Snail, I am your father."

"Don't you need a lightsaber to say something like that?"

"Snail, I am really your father. I was cloned from the man you killed back at the Outer 7-11 and then I met this fine ass ho down at the strip club. So I took her for a ride in my Chevy back to the Motel 6 and you were the result."

"My mother was a stripper?"

"Yeah. I believe she was called Angelina something. I can't remember her last name. It begins with a J. Anyway, that bitch Cheryl is unconscious in the corner and you're about to die."

Snail is ready for the end when sees the last can of Better Beer against the wall. Snail gets an idea that might just save his and Cheryl's life.

Snail pops some candy from his Snoopy PEZ dispenser in his mouth, lights a blunt and gets ready for action.

Chapter 24

Snail gets up and does a triple somersault back flip while drinking a Coke and doing his taxes. He then lands right next to the last can of Better Beer. He picks it up and pops the top. Limy is scared:

"Don't do it, Snail. It hasn't been tested and who knows what will happen."

"I don't care. If I'm gonna die right now at least I'm gonna do it wasted."

Snail chugs the whole can in one big gulp. At first he feels fine but then he starts to shake and goes into convulsions. He falls to the floor and starts foaming from the mouth. Then there is silence and he slowly gets up. But not as Snail. He has transformed into….

"OH MY GOD! It's Jackie Chan from the Legend of Drunken Master!"

Jackie starts moving about very drunk like and kicks the ass out of Limy. Once Limy falls Jackie turns back to Snail:

"Damn. Now that's some good sh*t."

Snail sees Cheryl still knocked out in the corner. He walks over to her and tries to wake her up, but she doesn't. He shakes her some more but she is still sound a sleep and now begins to snore. Then finally Snails takes out taser and jolts her with a full voltage shock. She wakes up and Snail explains everything to her:

"You got knocked the f*ck out by a sausage and I defeated all the bad guys with one hand behind my back. We are safe. So now lets get on a boat and do the nasty James Bond style.

Then Snail gets a codec call from Imoan:

"Snail, I'm sorry. Fox was my brother and I gave you SocksPie to get even with you for killing him. But I have seen what did you in a time of crisis and you are a good person. And there is something I have to tell you about the virus which I could've never predicted."

"You tried to kill me. So f*ck you, bitch.

"But…."

Snail turns off the codec cutting Imoan off:

"So Cheryl, which do you prefer: Trojan or Durex? Or the more important question is extra-lubricated or ribbed for your pleasure?"

Then Snail gets another codec:

"Snail, this is Jim Carrey. Do you read me?"

"Jim Carrey? Wow. What an honor. So have you made contact to congratulate me on my victory?"

"No. I was appointed by President Bush as the Secretary of Defense during his last term and I am still doing the job. I have contacted you to tell you that you will die because in 10 minutes fighter jets are flying over that facility to bomb the living sh*t out of you."

"Where is Campbell?"

"He's getting busy with Low Mane in the back of his Chevy. I don't know why. I mean she's alright in the face but kinda flat though. I'll still do her but probably from behind.

"Why are you doing this?"

"Orders from the new president. Besides I always wanted to bomb the set of Snow Dogs. What a bad movie. Sorry, Snail. I gotta go. Alias is on. Damn that Jennifer Garner is a fox. Unlike that Tomb Raider psycho-bitch. Peace out."

Snail gets up and sees a long hallway in front of him with 5 vehicles on the side:

"Ok. We can take the ice cream truck from Twisted Metal, a bike from ET, the Back to the Future car, my mom's minivan, or a Barbie's Big Wheel. There's no contest."

Snail grabs Cheryl and jumps into the Barbie's Big Wheel and starts the engine. He only has 9 minutes and 23 seconds before the whole Shadow Moses base is blown sky higher than John Travolta's ego.

Snail pops some candy from his Snoopy PEZ dispenser in his mouth, lights a blunt and gets ready for action.

Chapter 25

Snail checks his mirror, puts the radio on and an Avril Lavigne comes on:

"Damn skateboard bitch."

He then changes it to a better song and puts the pedal to the metal. The Big Wheel takes off at a ravishing speed of 1.5 miles an hour. Snail can feel the wind in his hair now. He turns around and sees Limy riding the ET bike with a Nerf chain gun in his hand:

"It's Nerf or nothing!"

Limy pulls the trigger and Snail does a Batman turn. Snail is now going backwards through the tunnel and uses the windshield to block the Styrofoam darts. Then he continues to go in reverse while Limy catches up. Snail then makes another Batman turn and now he is going straight. Limy pulls up on the left side and Snail looks in the side mirror:

"Assh*les are closer than they appear.

Limy tries to punch Snail but Snail ducks. Snail then reaches over and pushes down the kick stand on the bike and Limy flips over the handle bars. Limy then gets up, brushes himself off, has a sandwich, watches some Jeopardy, picks up his bike and takes off after Snail and Cheryl in the Barbie Big Wheel. He soon catches up to the Big Wheel which is still only doing about 1 mph. Snail and Limy are now side by side in this high speed chase.

"Its time to die, Limy."

Fox drops from the ceiling and points his sword at Limy:

"I am not a tool of the Government or anyone else. Well maybe Madonna but that's a different story. Fighting was the only thing I was…..uhhhh…..line?"

Hideo Kojima pops his head in.

"…ever good at….."

"Oh yeah. Fighting was the only thing I was ever good at but at least I bought what was already eaten."

Hideo rolls his eyes.

"That's what you get for hiring Madonna's personal male stripper."

Fox continues to blurt out obscene lines that are supposed to be proud but aren't while Limy and Snail get closer to him. Fox doesn't get out of the way and gets run over by both the bike and the Big Wheel:

"Road kill."

"Highest codename my ass."

The two start to see the light at the end of the tunnel but the opening is small enough for only one of them to fit. The two speed up and at the last second Limy stops and lets the Big Wheel go first and then Limy went through the opening on the bike. But a small alien falls from the sky and lands on Limy's head as he's coming out the tunnel:

"ET phone home."

"Someone get Calista Flockheart off of me."

The bike takes off flying to the sun. Snail and Cheryl get out of the Big Wheel and look at the bike as it takes off straight up and out of view. All of a sudden they hear a scream and a few seconds later Limy hits the ground. The tremor of Limy hitting he ground caused the Big Wheel to fly up and land on Cheryl and Snail. Snail tries to look up from underneath the Big Wheel and sees Limy limping towards them with his Nerf gun:

"Snail! You will die. That is both your destinies. Not mine."

"Both?"

"I was meant to be strong. And he was supposed to be the weak. But it turns I will be the one that kills his supposedly perfect 'nephew' after all."

Limy points the gun at Snail and gets ready to pull the trigger when he bends over in pain.

"Uhhhh. It can't be."

"But somehow it is."

"Socks….."

"Pie."

Limy grabs his genitals and falls to the floor.

Snail gets up and picks the Big Wheel off of Cheryl. He looks around and realizes it's finally over. Or is it?

Snail pops some candy from his Snoopy PEZ dispenser in his mouth, lights a blunt and gets ready for action.

Chapter 26

Snail starts walking down the cliff with Cheryl behind him:

"You know what I don't get?"

"What?"

"Where was Dana Carvey?"

"Who?"

"Dana Carvey, Wombat Shih-Tzu's master of disguise. He was supposed to be here but I never got to see him.

Cheryl takes out a gun and points it at Snail's head.

"Freeze, Snail!"

"Cheryl, wait a sec. We'll role play once we get the leather on.

"I'm not Cheryl. I'm Carvey."

"What?"

Carvey takes off his wig.

"Ahh. Now I see. You know I was just joking about that getting nasty James Bond style thing."

"I just pretended to be a female soldier so I could get close to you and betray you when you were close to defeating us."

"But I already defeated you. It's too late."

"It's never too late!"

"What are you talking about? I killed your army and your teammates, destroyed the thing you came here to get, you got no info or money and your boss is dead."

"Ok. So maybe it is too late. But not to kill you."

Carvey puts the bullets in the gun and then points it back at Snail. He gets ready to fire when he suddenly drops to the ground. Alotajohn appears out of nowhere in front of Snail:

"Hey, Snail."

"I could have taken him."

"But you didn't. Instead you crapped your pants."

"Yeah, thank God for these Depends. I cant believe I had feelings for her and she wasn't even real. Worse, she was a man. Am I gay?"

"I think he's hotter without the wig."

"Should we kill him?"

"Nah. I wanna see him in the sequel. Maybe we'll get a love scene."

The two start walking down the cliff and get in a hot air balloon.

"So what now?"

"I got in contact with Campbell. Imoan is in a federal prison with Amy Fisher and Winona Ryder. And Jim Carrey is placed under arrest for ruining his career with bad movies. So what's your name, Snail?"

"Snail."

"No. Your real name."

"It's Snail. I was born Snail James Bartholomew III."

"Oh. Hey, how about we start a group and serve the world by doing something.

"Like what?"

"We'll think of something."

"What should we call it?"

"How about….."

Hideo Kojima pops out of nowhere again.

"Hey, You don't think I'll tell you everything before the sequel."

The air balloon takes off.

Snail pops some candy from his Snoopy PEZ dispenser in his mouth, lights a blunt and gets ready for the sequel:

Better Beer Slimy Dos:

The Grandson's of Puberty


	5. Epilogue

Better Beer Slimy Epilogue

Super Soaker Old Guy picks up the phone and begins talking to someone on the line.

"All of Wombat Shih-Tzu is dead, sir."

"Yeah, the nerdy dude and the star dude are still alive."

"Yes. I sold the plans to the evil dudes, sir."

"Yes. Socks-Pie is about to kill the star dude, sir. You know he actually has a name, sir."

"Right on schedule. The strippers won't be late."

"No, Ms. Lewinski won't be one of the strippers, sir."

"Yes, but Bill wasn't supposed to do that. Anyway I also got some of the Better Beer for our project."

"No, sir. My cover is intact."

"No. I will not pick up a Big Mac on the way home."

"Ok. No pickles and no onions. I got it. You know the inferior one was the winner after all."

"Inferior is the one that was lesser than the other one."

"Lesser means worse."

"I'm not telling you what worse means just get a dictionary."

"No, sir. No one knows that you were the third one..."

"…Slimyus"

"What should I do about Carvey?"

"The cross dressing master of disguise."

"No, sir. I don't think he would look sexy in a thong."

"Yes, sir. I'll hold on to him just in case we need him for an operation."

"No, sir. A spanking on the ass is not an operation."

"Yes. Thank you."

"Goodbye."

"Ok. Sure. Three more seconds."

"No, sir. There is no refrigerator in this room."

"Yes. In the kitchen, sir. Yes, sir. Ok, sir. That is very funny. I will catch it."

"Don't worry, sir. I won't forget the Big Mac. No, I can't get a BIGGIE fries and drink, sir."

"Because that's Wendy's, sir, not McDonald's."

"They have the Super Size. Ok I'll get that."

"And yes. I'm positive is not one of the strippers."

"I heard she gives good head too, sir."

"Ok. Yes. Ok. Will do. Is that the vibrating or lubricated one? Ok."

"Goodbye."

"No. I will not say peace out, sir."

"Ok. I understand you have to bounce."

"Well goodbye…"

"…President Bush."


End file.
